Funny Quotes

Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 14

Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 14 provides more funny quotes.

Image of Hunter S. Thompson

A word to the wise is infuriating.
- Hunter S. Thompson
Collection: Funny

Image of Wilson Mizner

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
- Wilson Mizner
Collection: Funny

Image of Thomas A. Edison

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
- Thomas A. Edison
Collection: Funny

Image of Lenny Bruce

Communism is like one big phone company.
- Lenny Bruce
Collection: Funny

Image of Brooke Shields

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields
Collection: Funny

Image of Richard Dawkins

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
- Richard Dawkins
Collection: Funny

Image of Alice Roosevelt Longworth

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Collection: Funny

Image of Hedy Lamarr

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
- Hedy Lamarr
Collection: Funny

Image of Ellen DeGeneres

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Collection: Funny

Image of Walt Whitman

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
- Walt Whitman
Collection: Funny

Image of Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Collection: Funny

Image of Herbert Hoover

All men are equal before fish.
- Herbert Hoover
Collection: Funny

Image of Norman Wisdom

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
- Norman Wisdom
Collection: Funny

Image of Frank Lloyd Wright

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Collection: Funny

Image of Michael Crichton

I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
- Michael Crichton
Collection: Funny

Image of David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman
Collection: Funny

Image of George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- George Carlin
Collection: Funny

Image of Benjamin Disraeli

As for our majority... one is enough.
- Benjamin Disraeli
Collection: Funny

Image of Les Dawson

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson
Collection: Funny

Image of Steve Martin

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
- Steve Martin
Collection: Funny

Image of Victor Hugo

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
- Victor Hugo
Collection: Funny

Image of Jimmy Durante

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
Collection: Funny

Image of James Joyce

Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
- James Joyce
Collection: Funny

Image of Andre Maurois

We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.
- Andre Maurois
Collection: Funny

Image of Arthur Conan Doyle

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
- Arthur Conan Doyle
Collection: Funny

Image of James Brown

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
- James Brown
Collection: Funny

Image of Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- Mark Twain
Collection: Funny

Image of Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- Mitch Hedberg
Collection: Funny

Image of Milton Berle

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
- Milton Berle
Collection: Funny

Image of Yogi Berra

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
- Yogi Berra
Collection: Funny

Image of Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Collection: Funny

Image of Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
- Jay Leno
Collection: Funny

Image of Robert Louis Stevenson

Every man has a sane spot somewhere.
- Robert Louis Stevenson
Collection: Funny

Image of Louis Aragon

We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.
- Louis Aragon
Collection: Funny

Image of Ruby Wax

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.
- Ruby Wax
Collection: Funny

Image of Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller
Collection: Funny

Image of Laurence J. Peter

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
- Laurence J. Peter
Collection: Funny

Image of Jerry Seinfeld

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
- Jerry Seinfeld
Collection: Funny

Image of David Brenner

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
- David Brenner
Collection: Funny

Image of Angie Dickinson

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
- Angie Dickinson
Collection: Funny

Image of H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Collection: Funny

Image of George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
- George Burns
Collection: Funny

Image of Cathy Guisewite

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
- Cathy Guisewite
Collection: Funny

Image of Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- Steven Wright
Collection: Funny

Image of Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Woody Allen
Collection: Funny

Image of Robin Williams

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
- Robin Williams
Collection: Funny

Image of Don Marquis

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
- Don Marquis
Collection: Funny

Image of Mae West

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
- Mae West
Collection: Funny

Image of Margaret Smith

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith
Collection: Funny