Jay Leno
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!Collection: Valentines
Politics is just show business for ugly people.Collection: Politics
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.Collection: Funny
You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.Collection: Famous
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.Collection: Christmas
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.Collection: Truth
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.Collection: Science
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.Collection: Funny
You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you.Collection: Famous
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that.
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.
Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.
Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.
The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.
My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."Collection: Names
We should make politicians dress like race car drivers -- when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.Collection: Race
Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.Collection: Morning
President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.Collection: Latin
This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a President, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50.Collection: Country
Form 1040 was chosen by the IRS because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.Collection: Liberty
Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.Collection: Believe
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.Collection: Depression
Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.Collection: Teacher
In a groundbreaking move, the Associated Press, the largest news-gathering organization in the World, will no longer use the term 'illegal immigrant'. They will now use the phrase 'undocumented democrat'.Collection: Moving