Rodney Dangerfield
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.Collection: Jealousy
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.Collection: Marriage
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.Collection: Morning
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.Collection: Pet
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.Collection: Time
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.Collection: Pet
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.Collection: Pet
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.Collection: Pet
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.Collection: Funny
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.Collection: Marriage
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.Collection: Home
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.Collection: Food
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.Collection: Home
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.Collection: Sports
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.Collection: Birthday
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.Collection: Truth
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.Collection: Hope
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.Collection: Family
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.Collection: Funny
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.Collection: Men
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.Collection: Morning
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.Collection: Funny
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.Collection: Medical
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.Collection: Marriage
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.Collection: Respect
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.Collection: Car
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Life is just a bowl of pits.