Jerry Seinfeld
Men want to make women happy.Collection: Women
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.Collection: Marriage
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'Collection: Birthday
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.Collection: Amazing
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.Collection: Anger
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.Collection: Christmas
I like money, but it's never been about the money.Collection: Money
Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.Collection: Humor
Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.Collection: Funny
We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.Collection: Great
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.Collection: Funny
I love being a dad. I just love it.Collection: Dad
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.Collection: Men
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.Collection: Death
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.Collection: Family
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!Collection: Funny
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.Collection: Funny
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.Collection: Life
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
I like definitive things.
My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!'
We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.
I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense.
When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face.
You can be passionate about anything.
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.
I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.