Les Dawson
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.Collection: Marriage
In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.Collection: Space
When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.Collection: Dad
My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.Collection: Christmas
The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'Collection: Home
My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'Collection: Hope
The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.Collection: Family
I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.Collection: Teacher
Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'Collection: Happiness
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.Collection: Funny
The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.
I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
Slumps don't bother me.
Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.
My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.
Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.
I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.
I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.
I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
I know my name will always be linked with women.
My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.
I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.
I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'
My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.
I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'
I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and I just happened to glance at the night sky and I marvelled at the millions of stars glistening like pieces of quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet. In awe I watched the waxen moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an amber chariot towards the void of infinite space wherein the tethered bolts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever in their orbital majesty; and as I looked at all this, I thought, 'I must put a roof on this lavatory.Collection: Stars
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.Collection: Witty
There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?Collection: Zero
Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.Collection: Doors
I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.Collection: Blood
I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.Collection: Sleep
The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.Collection: Mother
My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.Collection: Mother
Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.Collection: Tunnels
Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.Collection: Family