Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.Collection: Parenting
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.Collection: Wedding
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.Collection: Thanksgiving
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.Collection: Beauty
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.Collection: Funny
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.Collection: Women
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.Collection: Beauty
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.Collection: Christmas
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.Collection: Business
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.Collection: Age
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?Collection: Chance
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.Collection: Men
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.Collection: Home
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.Collection: Smile
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.Collection: Funny
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.Collection: Anger
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.Collection: Teacher
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.Collection: Funny
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.Collection: Funny Inspirational
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.Collection: Hours
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."Collection: Mother
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.Collection: Philosophy
I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'Collection: Made
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.Collection: Husband
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.Collection: Doctors