Lenny Bruce
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.Collection: God
When you're eight years old nothing is your business.Collection: Funny
There are never enough I Love You's.Collection: Love
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.Collection: Art
In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.Collection: Legal
All my humor is based on destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing in the bread line - right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.Collection: Humor
Communism is like one big phone company.Collection: Funny
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.Collection: Funny
Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
I'm not a comedian. And I'm not sick. The world is sick, and I'm the doctor. I'm a surgeon with a scalpel for false values.
The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.
If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
If God made the body, and the body is dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
I don't have an act. I just talk. I'm just Lenny Bruce.
I would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate, and their comment would be, 'He's really slaughtering Nixon.' Then we would all go to another apartment, and the Nixon fans would say, 'How do you like the shellacking he gave Kennedy?'
A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.
Today, I give my daughter what I really didn't have as a kid: all the silly, dumb, extravagant, frilly, nonfunctional toys I can force on her. She probably wants an encyclopedia.
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.
I don't read enough books, so I guess I'm pretty shallow. I'm a lot into the physical. With me, first attraction is never intellectual.
The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.Collection: Government
There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.Collection: War
I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.Collection: Thinking
Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.Collection: Marijuana
Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.Collection: Ostriches
It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.Collection: Giving
There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.Collection: Dirty
Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.Collection: Christian
You are a white. The Imperial Wizard. Now, if you don't think this is logic you can burn me on the fiery cross. This is the logic: You have the choice of spending fifteen years married to a woman, a black woman or a white woman. Fifteen years kissing and hugging and sleeping real close on hot nights. With a black, black woman or a white, white woman. The white woman is Kate Smith. And the black woman is Lena Horne. So you're not concerned with black or white anymore, are you? You are concerned with how cute or how pretty. Then let's really get basic and persecute ugly people!Collection: Cute
Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.Collection: Atheism
Freedom of speech is a two way street, man. You have the right to say whatever you want and the Boss has a right to tell the police to arrest you.Collection: Men
Darwin's theory is as dead as he is. Everyone is surviving, fit or not. Years ago, any kid dumb enough to chase a shiny object down a well was dead, and out of the gene pool. Now they got the technology and medicine to save the fool so he can breed more open mouth breathers.Collection: Kids
Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.Collection: Two
Life is a four-letter word.Collection: Four
Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers.Collection: Country
Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.Collection: Love
You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.Collection: Lying
You got a million drug laws now because the bosses figured there was more money in putting people in jail than taxing something anyone can grow on a window sill.Collection: Law
Once you take away the struggle for food, clothing and shelter, work is the one four letter word that offends everyone.Collection: Struggle
That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.Collection: Teacher
If you're from New York and you're Catholic, you're still Jewish. If you're from Butte Montana and you're Jewish, you're still goyisch. The Air Force is Jewish, the Marine Corps dangerous goyisch. Rye Bread is Jewish, instant potatoes, scary goyisch. Eddie Cantor is goyisch, George Jessel is goyisch-Coleman Hawkins is Jewish.Collection: New York
Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that is correct intellectually.Collection: Atheism
Anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in Hell.Collection: Selfish
Once you sleep on feathers you can't go back to sleeping on the floor.Collection: Sleep
What you end up with is outrageousness without the laugh - comedy as electro shock therapy.Collection: Laughing