David Letterman
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?Collection: Thanksgiving
There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.Collection: Courage
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.Collection: Future
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.Collection: Intelligence
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.Collection: Funny
There is no off position on the genius switch.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.Collection: Inspirational
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.Collection: Country
Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.Collection: Use
I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.Collection: Wall
Love: You can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun.Collection: Love You
I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.Collection: Environmentalist
You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.Collection: Weed