Wilson Mizner
Art is science made clear.Collection: Art
Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.Collection: Brainy
Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.Collection: Death
A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.Collection: Good
I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.Collection: Faith
All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.Collection: Anger
It is not in life, but in art that self-fulfillment is to be found.Collection: Art
The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.Collection: Wisdom
Failure has gone to his head.Collection: Failure
To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.Collection: Wisdom
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.Collection: Best
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.Collection: Funny
Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.Collection: Funny
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.
In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.
The first hundred years are the hardest.
Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.
You sparkle with larceny.
I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.
There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.
Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.
To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.
If you count all your assets you always show a profit.
I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.
Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.
A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.
I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'
The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.
A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.
Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.
A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.
I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.
I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.
I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.
The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.Collection: Anger
The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.Collection: Time
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.Collection: Faith
I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.Collection: Learning
Easy street is a blind alley.Collection: Ease
I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed.Collection: Deeds
Women can instantly see through each other, and it's surprising how little they observe that's pleasant.Collection: Littles
Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor-unassisted.Collection: Love
Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, youCollection: Substance
A fellow who is always declaring that he's no fool, usually has his suspicions.Collection: Fool
A good party is where you enjoy good people, and they taste even better with Champagne.Collection: Party
I want a priest, a rabbi and a Protestant minister. I want to hedge my bets.Collection: Want
He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.Collection: Sarcastic
You're a mouse studying to be a rat.Collection: Sarcastic