Milton Berle
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?Collection: Mothers
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.Collection: Inspirational
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.Collection: Funny
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.Collection: Funny
There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.Collection: Funny
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.Collection: Amazing
Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.Collection: Funny
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.Collection: Money
Laughter is an instant vacation.Collection: Humor
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.Collection: Funny
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.Collection: Funny
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.
They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.Collection: Action
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.Collection: Funny
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.Collection: Marriage
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!Collection: Teacher
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.Collection: Life
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.Collection: Looks
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?Collection: Men
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.Collection: Law
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.Collection: Valentine
Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.Collection: Suffering
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!Collection: Fall
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.Collection: Christmas
The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.Collection: Education
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.Collection: Men
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.Collection: Marriage
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.Collection: Opportunity
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.Collection: Christmas
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.Collection: Valentine
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"Collection: Funny
Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.Collection: Golf
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.Collection: Humorous
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"Collection: Education
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!Collection: Lying
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.Collection: Women
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.Collection: Christmas