George Burns
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.Collection: Success
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.Collection: Funny
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.Collection: Work
At my age flowers scare me.Collection: Birthday
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.Collection: Future
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.Collection: Age
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.Collection: Age
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.Collection: Age
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.Collection: Failure
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.Collection: Age
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.Collection: Family
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.Collection: Age
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.Collection: Happiness
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.Collection: Funny
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.Collection: Age
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
How can I die? I'm booked.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.Collection: Morning
I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.Collection: Morning
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.Collection: Funny
And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'Collection: People
I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.Collection: Happy Birthday
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.Collection: Funny
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.Collection: Hills
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.Collection: Running
If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.Collection: Taken
There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.Collection: Bed
Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.Collection: Bangs
Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you're out of business.Collection: Wisdom