Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.Collection: Work
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.Collection: Food
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.Collection: God
Eighty percent of success is showing up.Collection: Success
Marriage is the death of hope.Collection: Marriage
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.Collection: Death
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.Collection: Movies
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.Collection: Humor
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.Collection: Death
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.Collection: Education
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.Collection: Food
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.Collection: War
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.Collection: Good
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.Collection: Art
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.Collection: Thankful
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.Collection: Marriage
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.Collection: God
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.Collection: Change
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.Collection: Car
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.Collection: Nature
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.Collection: Food
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?Collection: Death
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.Collection: Experience
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.Collection: Funny
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.Collection: Failure
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.Collection: Life
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.Collection: Movies
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.Collection: Money
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.Collection: Success
I am two with nature.Collection: Nature
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.Collection: Money
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.Collection: God
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.Collection: Funny
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.Collection: Education
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .Collection: Death
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.Collection: Government
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.