Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.Collection: Time
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.Collection: Amazing
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.Collection: Time
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.Collection: Science
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'Collection: Morning
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.Collection: Pet
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.Collection: Politics
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.Collection: Fitness
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.Collection: Pet
When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.Collection: Science
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.Collection: Politics
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.Collection: Good
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.Collection: Experience
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.Collection: Birthday
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?Collection: Space
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.Collection: Legal
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.Collection: Experience
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.Collection: Art
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'Collection: Death
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.Collection: Hope
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.Collection: Pet
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.Collection: Imagination
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.Collection: Time
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.Collection: Car
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.Collection: Funny
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.Collection: Time
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'Collection: Work
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.Collection: Time
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.Collection: Great
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.Collection: Humor
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.Collection: Future
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.Collection: Work
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.Collection: Car
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.Collection: Teacher
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.Collection: Imagination
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.Collection: Car
What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.Collection: Funny
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.Collection: Funny
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.Collection: Imagination
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.Collection: Fear
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.Collection: Time
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.Collection: Poetry
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'Collection: Funny
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'Collection: Money
How young can you die of old age?Collection: Age
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.Collection: Humor
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.Collection: Birthday
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'Collection: Birthday
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.Collection: Funny
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.Collection: Car