Funny Quotes

Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 3

Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 3 provides more funny quotes.

Image of Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Funny

Image of Samuel Goldwyn

Let's have some new cliches.
- Samuel Goldwyn
Collection: Funny

Image of Paul Lynde

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
- Paul Lynde
Collection: Funny

Image of Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
- Phyllis Diller
Collection: Funny

Image of Josh Billings

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
- Josh Billings
Collection: Funny

Image of Milton Berle

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- Milton Berle
Collection: Funny

Image of Ellen DeGeneres

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Collection: Funny

Image of H. L. Mencken

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
- H. L. Mencken
Collection: Funny

Image of Laurence J. Peter

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter
Collection: Funny

Image of Don Marquis

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
- Don Marquis
Collection: Funny

Image of George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
- George Carlin
Collection: Funny

Image of George Burns

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
- George Burns
Collection: Funny

Image of Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
- Emo Philips
Collection: Funny

Image of Johnny Vegas

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
- Johnny Vegas
Collection: Funny

Image of Fred Allen

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
- Fred Allen
Collection: Funny

Image of Mercedes McCambridge

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
- Mercedes McCambridge
Collection: Funny

Image of Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers
Collection: Funny

Image of Bill Vaughan

The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.
- Bill Vaughan
Collection: Funny

Image of P. G. Wodehouse

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
- P. G. Wodehouse
Collection: Funny

Image of Andre Maurois

Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.
- Andre Maurois
Collection: Funny

Image of Robert Benchley

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
- Robert Benchley
Collection: Funny

Image of Jay London

I saw a stationery store move.
- Jay London
Collection: Funny

Image of Samuel Goldwyn

I read part of it all the way through.
- Samuel Goldwyn
Collection: Funny

Image of George Lopez

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
- George Lopez
Collection: Funny

Image of Tracey Ullman

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
- Tracey Ullman
Collection: Funny

Image of Chevy Chase

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
- Chevy Chase
Collection: Funny

Image of Anna Held

I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.
- Anna Held
Collection: Funny

Image of Cathy Guisewite

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
- Cathy Guisewite
Collection: Funny

Image of Jay London

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
- Jay London
Collection: Funny

Image of Logan Pearsall Smith

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
Collection: Funny

Image of Rob Corddry

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
- Rob Corddry
Collection: Funny

Image of Lewis Black

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
- Lewis Black
Collection: Funny

Image of Hillary Clinton

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
- Hillary Clinton
Collection: Funny

Image of Eminem

Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.
- Eminem
Collection: Funny

Image of Dr. Seuss

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
- Dr. Seuss
Collection: Funny

Image of Don Rickles

You know what's funny to me? Attitude.
- Don Rickles
Collection: Funny

Image of W. Somerset Maugham

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
- W. Somerset Maugham
Collection: Funny

Image of Bill Hicks

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
- Bill Hicks
Collection: Funny

Image of Tim Vine

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
- Tim Vine
Collection: Funny

Image of Milton Berle

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.
- Milton Berle
Collection: Funny

Image of James Acaster

I used to work with autistic children, and they said a lot of funny things to me.
- James Acaster
Collection: Funny

Image of Steve Jobs

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.
- Steve Jobs
Collection: Funny

Image of Joe Biden

I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it's funny. And it's not funny. It's not.
- Joe Biden
Collection: Funny

Image of Lucille Ball

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
- Lucille Ball
Collection: Funny

Image of Adlai Stevenson I

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
- Adlai Stevenson I
Collection: Funny

Image of Mark Rober

And as - funny enough, it actually became - so I've always wanted to be a Guinness world record holder. And believe it or not, before I made this there was not a category for world's largest Nerf gun, but there is now.
- Mark Rober
Collection: Funny

Image of Rebecca Serle

That's the funny thing about time. It is only in looking back that it's easy to connect the dots. To see exactly why everything needed to happen the way that it did.
- Rebecca Serle
Collection: Funny

Image of Jeff Kinney

I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place.
- Jeff Kinney
Collection: Funny

Image of Yuval Noah Harari

Censorship no longer works by hiding information from you; censorship works by flooding you with immense amounts of misinformation, of irrelevant information, of funny cat videos, until you're just unable to focus.
- Yuval Noah Harari
Collection: Funny