Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.Collection: Morning
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.Collection: Forgiveness
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.Collection: Funny
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.Collection: Computers
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.Collection: Money
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.Collection: Smile
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.Collection: Funny
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.Collection: Morning
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.Collection: Funny
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.Collection: Girlfriend
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".Collection: Heart
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.Collection: Funny
I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”Collection: Morning
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.Collection: Girlfriend
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.Collection: Funny
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.Collection: Funny
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.Collection: Funny
What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.Collection: Girl