Tim Vine
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.Collection: Funny
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.Collection: History
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'Collection: Great
One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.Collection: Dad
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'Collection: Home
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.Collection: Family
Black beauty - he's a dark horse.Collection: Beauty
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
Velcro: what a rip-off.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke.
If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.Collection: Olympics
Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.Collection: Dust
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.Collection: Eye
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."Collection: Funny
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it outCollection: Dishes
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'Collection: Funny
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.Collection: Car
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.Collection: Funny
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.Collection: Funny
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."Collection: Funny
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"Collection: Funny
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.Collection: Funny
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.Collection: Funny
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."Collection: Funny
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.Collection: Funny
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'Collection: Funny
I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.Collection: Funny
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."Collection: Funny
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.Collection: Funny