Robert Benchley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.Collection: Pet
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.Collection: Famous
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.Collection: Funny
In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.Collection: Travel
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?Collection: Funny
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.Collection: Pet
There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.Collection: Humor
I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.Collection: Death
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.Collection: Funny
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.Collection: Fear
Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings.
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.
Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted.
A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.
I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.
You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.
A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands.
The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.
For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.
I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.
Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off.
In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.
After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.
Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it.
Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk.
We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.
There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.
Anything can happen, but it usually doesn't.Collection: Anything Can Happen
Who said time machines haven't been built yet? They already exist. They're called booksCollection: Book
The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.Collection: Writing
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.Collection: Class
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.Collection: Work
This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.Collection: Appreciation
The English language may hold a more disagreeable combination of words than "The doctor will see you now." I am willing to concede something to the phrase "Have you anything to say before the current is turned on?" That may be worse for the moment, but it doesn't last so long. For continued, unmitigating depression, I know nothing to equal "The doctor will see you now." But I'm not narrow-minded about it. I'm willing to consider other possibilities.Collection: Doctors
I am more the inspirational type of speller. I work on hunches rather than mere facts, and the result is sometimes open to criticism by purists.Collection: Criticism
I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures.Collection: Health
A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. 'How old's your kid?' the conductor says, and the father says, 'He's four years old.' 'He looks at least twelve to me,' says the conductor. And the father says, 'Can I help it if he worries?Collection: Father
The wise man thinks once before he speaks twice.Collection: Wise
If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls.Collection: Nature
The only cure for a real hangover is death.Collection: Real