Lewis Black
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.Collection: Faith
What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.Collection: Valentines
When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'Collection: Thanksgiving
All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.Collection: Food
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.Collection: Funny
Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'Collection: Funny
I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.Collection: Christmas
My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.Collection: Teacher
Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.Collection: Parenting
I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.Collection: Birthday
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'Collection: Dad
This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.Collection: Sad
Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.Collection: Morning
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.Collection: Politics
Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.Collection: Christmas
And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.Collection: Morning
Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis.Collection: Politics
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.Collection: Funny
One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.Collection: Anger
I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.
Everybody's family has different values.
I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.
Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.
It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.
One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it.
Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.
Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!
I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.
When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.
Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun.
The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.
I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.
I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.
Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular.
You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.
When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.
What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.
If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.
Self-love is a big part of golf.
The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.
People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.
Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.