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Groucho Marx Quotes

Groucho Marx

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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Women
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Wedding
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In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Wedding
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Pet
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She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Beauty
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I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Funny
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Marriage
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I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Death
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Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Women
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Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Marriage
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I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Happiness
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Morning
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No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Time
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Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Humor
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All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Politics
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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Life
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Time
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Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Art
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Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Money
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Funny
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Medical
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I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Medical
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Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Communication
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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Age
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Relationship
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Music
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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Funny
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Intelligence
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Women should be obscene and not heard.
- Groucho Marx
Collection: Women
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
- Groucho Marx
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A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- Groucho Marx
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I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
- Groucho Marx
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- Groucho Marx
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
- Groucho Marx
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I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Groucho Marx
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A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
- Groucho Marx
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I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
- Groucho Marx
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If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
- Groucho Marx
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Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
- Groucho Marx
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- Groucho Marx
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I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx
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Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
- Groucho Marx
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I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
- Groucho Marx
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There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
- Groucho Marx
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
- Groucho Marx
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Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
- Groucho Marx
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I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx
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Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx
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I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
- Groucho Marx

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