Joan Rivers
My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.Collection: Thanksgiving
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.Collection: God
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.Collection: Fitness
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.Collection: Happiness
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.Collection: Funny
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.Collection: Funny
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.Collection: Funny
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.Collection: Food
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.Collection: Thankful
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'Collection: Home
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.Collection: Diet
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.Collection: Wisdom
Never floss with a stranger.Collection: Funny
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.Collection: Funny
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.Collection: God
I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.Collection: Friendship
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.Collection: Funny
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.Collection: Funny
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
I am furious about everything.
I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.'
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
It's feast or famine in showbiz.
Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.
Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.
Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.
I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.
Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.