George Lopez
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.Collection: Funny
When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself.Collection: Best
It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.
The thing that upsets me the most is the entitlement of people that will stand with a flag and say to some other people that they need to go back to where they came from. When, in fact, they also would need to go back to where they came from, because you need to go all the way back to the beginning.
Freddie Prinze was my idol, and he died, and there is not much of his stuff to look at. But now, your comedy can live on forever.
When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.
The first night was awful because I was so afraid, and I was never more afraid because it was going out of my character to be outgoing and to be vulnerable and to be out there and onstage. My hands were sweaty and I couldn't swallow, and I drank a bottle of wine to calm my nerves.
I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married.
When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.
I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.
I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.
In life, there's a ying and a yang and a balance. And when you don't have balance, you have comedy.
Everything will be seen on your computer or BlackBerry or whatever devices we will be seeing in the future. Comedians will put their content on whatever server and send it to you specifically. We may even lose the live performance.
I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.
If this country wants to elect someone with no political experience who is racially insensitive and golfs... In my first 100 days, I will make Taco Tuesday the law.
I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.
I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.
David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.
So I started to relax and would work on my act eight hours a day, sitting at a desk writing at my grandmother's house, and I would put on Richard Pryor Live on Long Beach and would play it like a loop and think and write.
It's not even about black and white anymore, because so many people are from mixed backgrounds and mixed ethnicities, and it's just a great time to be able to pull all that together.
It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit.
I never realized I could love people as much as I do now.
If the worst thing that can happen is that nobody laughs, then I can deal with that, because the worst thing that can happen at the factory is that I could lose a limb or be crushed by a huge machine.
I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.
I don't know if the art of stand-up will survive. Stand-up seems dated. Now you can do a mini-movie or a short with a beginning, middle, and end. A guy standing there seems a little old - especially when you can go on the Internet and see 'Funny or Die.'
No particular race is the enemy. Ignorance is the enemy.Collection: Ignorance
One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.Collection: Funny
We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts.Collection: Funny
Life is moments going by, but if you don't grab them, they're gone. For a long time, the only moments that were available were bad ones. So now I make sure to grab the good ones.Collection: Long
By the time I was 11, I wanted to be a comedian. So all those years later, I've managed to achieve my dream as a kid, and it wasn't easy. I'm on the [Hollywood] Walk of Fame and I'm one of the 25 most influential Hispanics in America, according to Time Magazine. I think my duty is to go back and tell kids, 'Whatever color you are, wherever you come from, anything and everything is possible.' And I'm living proof.Collection: Dream
When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!'Collection: Funny
Laughter survives... it has to survive.Collection: Laughter
I used to be ashamed by the way that I grew up. I tried to lie my way through better times, but when you think that honesty and truth is really your best weapon you embrace it and put it behind you. In the end, it drives you and motivates you to do good work. No one should be ashamed about where they come from as long as you desire to be a compassionate and decent person.Collection: Honesty
You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.Collection: Funny
Sometimes when you win, you think you're going to get everything to go your way.Collection: Thinking
We need to get better at voting and be a voice for the people who do not have one.Collection: Voice
I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.Collection: Truth
I grew up not having a father. Golf is the father I never had. It taught me honesty and respect and discipline and it taught me to control my temperament.Collection: Honesty
Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.Collection: Want
Marijuana brownies are amazing. Very simple to make, too. Just get some Duncan Hines brownie mix and cook the weed right in there. Drop it right in with the butter. I don't know who came up with this idea first, but it's sheer genius.Collection: Weed
This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.Collection: Funny
I'm not afraid to take on somebody or say something that somebody will find offensive because unfortunately in comedy, you can't say anything really good without offending somebody.Collection: Offending
Immigration is an issue of global significance in America. And if you look at the terrorist alerts and attacks, Latinos [as a group] are not in the top five list [for] terror alerts.Collection: America
Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.Collection: Funny
As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.Collection: Funny
When I first heard about Beverly Hills Chihuahua, I thought, no. This, this is ridiculous. And then you read the script and you close the script and you go, "They aren't going to be able to do that with real dogs. How are they going to do that?" You're going to see the strings. But they did.Collection: Dog
So I started to relax and would work on my act eight hours a day, sitting at a desk writing at my grandmother's house, and I would put on Richard Pryor Live on Long Beach and would play it like a loop and think and writeCollection: Beach
I've gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine.Collection: Race
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.Collection: Funny
I actually graze at several of the homes while Im playing. There a lot of food going on. I drink and eat and use the restrooms in a lot of the houses. What better way to really get closer to the fans than to steal their soap from the restrooms as they allow you to enter their homes?Collection: Home