Jon Stewart
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them.Collection: People
People don't understand that we're not warriors in their cause. We're a group of people that really feel that they want to write jokes about the absurdity that we see in government and the world and all that, and that's it.Collection: Writing
The next four years, though, you still have to abide by the oversight process that is there to prevent this kind of bizarre sort of cult-like atmosphere that falls along. I mean, I accept that kind of veil of secrecy around Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, but I don't accept that around our government.Collection: Fall
I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.Collection: Thinking
It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.Collection: Nice
I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day and said, "I'm going to sit here in a ball and rock back and forth. And won't you join me for a half hour of sadness."Collection: Jobs
Bill Russell, a famous philosopher from Boston Celtics once "When things go bad, things go bad." The [Iraq] war was terribly mismanaged-it was terribly mismanaged.Collection: War
Technology. It's like science, only useless.Collection: Technology
The view... from my apartment... was the World Trade Center... and now it's gone, they attacked it. This symbol of American ingenuity, and strength, and labor, and imagination and commerce, and it is gone. But you know what? You know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty. The view from the South of Manhattan is now the Statue of Liberty. You can't beat that!Collection: Views
Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase 'contentious but futile protest vote by democrats.' By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria.Collection: Fun
Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office.Collection: Goodbye
The Republicans are calling the Democrats' plan to have a deadline for US troop withdrawal from Iraq an 'admission of failure', as opposed to the Republican plan which is 'failure without admission'.Collection: Iraq
Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?Collection: Lying
I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.Collection: Teacher
The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.Collection: Movie
Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they're delicious!Collection: Children
Congress, the legislative stone in America's urethra.Collection: America
California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.Collection: California
President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.Collection: Mean
It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.Collection: Son
I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."Collection: Running
I'll tell you this: Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. And the protections that we have, for religion -we protect religion- and talk about a lifestyle choice! That is absolutely a choice. Gay people don't choose to be gay. At what age did you choose not to be gay?Collection: Gay
I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.Collection: Mean
My friend Bill O’Reilly is completely full of sh*t.Collection: Bills
We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first.Collection: Obamacare
It's like hunting cowsCollection: Hunting
Much of John Kerry's recent surge has come at the expense of Howard Dean. The situation reflected in his hot new bumper sticker, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry.' It's cute and a lot more tasteful than the alternative version, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Finger-Banged Kucinich.'Collection: Cute
The government that governs best, governs best!Collection: Government
Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.Collection: Military
I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys.Collection: Good Luck
Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts.Collection: Home
There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.Collection: Jobs
[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.Collection: Iraq
Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?Collection: Years
'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for?Collection: Thinking
It's the same argument people say about the blogs. The blogs are responsible. No, they're not. The blogs are like anything else. You judge each one based on its own veracity and intelligence and all of that.Collection: People
If you want, you can try and get a broader perspective, or you can find people who are absolutely out of their minds, or find people that are doing incredibly complex and interesting and urgent journalism. And the same goes for our show. It's a prism into people's own ideologies, when they watch our program. This is just our take.Collection: Perspective
Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.Collection: Ignorance
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.Collection: Long Ago
We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.Collection: Giving
It's a wonder our country doesn't implode.Collection: Country
What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?Collection: Jesus
If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.Collection: Ifs
Oh press - must you spread hate? Can't you just stick to being wrong?Collection: Hate
Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?Collection: Scientist
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.Collection: Christian
That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.Collection: Ethics
When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty.Collection: Powerful
People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.Collection: Men