Jon Stewart
But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them.Collection: Hair
Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.Collection: Good Night
I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.Collection: Amway
I don't particularly enjoy those types of interviews, because I have a great respect for Senator McCain, and I hate the idea that our conversation became just two people sort of talking over each other, at one point.Collection: Hate
On a more personal note we in this country we have a very tragic situation occur at one of our universities and, it really has taken the country aback and there's a real grieving process that we're going through, And going through it mourning and learning about the victims and-learning about it and showing our support, you know, I hesitate to say, how does your country handle what is that type of carnage on a daily basis?Collection: Country
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.Collection: Home
We feel no obligation to follow the news cycle. In other words, I felt no obligation to cover story in anyway, because we're not like I said, we're not journalists. And at that point, there's nothing sort of funny or absurd or to say about it.Collection: News
We are, if anything - I do believe we function as a sort of editorial cartoon. That we are a digestive process, like so many other digestive processes that go on.Collection: Believe
The (Supreme Court) ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus.Collection: Government
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.Collection: Nice
The Republican party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies. Together, the two parties function like giant down comforters, allowing a candidate to disappear into the enveloping softness, protecting them from exposure to the harsh weather of independent thought.Collection: Party
People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE REASONABLE!'Collection: People
They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.Collection: Crazy
A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to Hide-The-Eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, "When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off."Collection: Jesus
I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege.Collection: White Privilege
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.Collection: House
If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he's not the problem.Collection: Funny
The wisdom of the masses is not always wise. You could put a lot of things to a vote-you could have put anti-miscegenation laws to a vote, and that would have passed pretty handily. Either all people are created equal-or they're not. You're either buying into the original premise of America-or you're not.Collection: Wise
Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It’s Romney’s inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse that’s a little offensive to people. Especially considering Romney’s view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don’t know, food and medicine.Collection: Government
The overwhelming condemnation makes it clear we have made enormous progress in teaching everyone that racism is bad. Where we seem to have dropped the ball... is in teaching people what racism actually is ... which allows people to say incredibly racist things while insisting they would never.Collection: Teaching
Yon Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of attonement. You don't ear for one day, all your sins for the year are wiped clean. Beat that with your little Lent. What is Lent? Forty days of absolution. Forty days to one day. Even in sin you're paying retail.Collection: Holiday
How do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? The honest answer is this: You won't. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.Collection: Inspirational
The press has bravely and nobly eroded the public trust... What I'm advocating is the media come work for us again. Remove themselves from the symbiotic relationship that they have developed with the power structure of corporations and of the politicians.Collection: Media
Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.Collection: Dream
I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth.Collection: Change
You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you.Collection: Want
It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.Collection: Mother
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.Collection: Dream
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency.Collection: College
The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'Collection: Death
A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.Collection: Thinking
No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You're (Pres. Bush) slowly going from being Nixon to Mr. Burns.Collection: Kids
In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in.Collection: Winning
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.Collection: Years
That is the American experiment. An ethnic group arriving on America's shores, to be reviled and hazed, living in squalor, or if they are lucky Squalor Heights, working hard to give their children or grandchildren the opportunity to sh*t on the next group landing on our shores.Collection: Children
The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious.Collection: Christian
Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.Collection: White
When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.Collection: Transition
Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.Collection: Sex
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.Collection: Love
Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.Collection: Sleep
You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.Collection: Perfect
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.Collection: Graduation
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They're not living their lives via platforms. They're living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.Collection: Tired
Congress is the Justin Bieber of our governmentCollection: Government
Well, I'm sold. I'll take one America.Collection: America
Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped.Collection: Father
Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be "Irish-smart.".Collection: Smart
If you smell something, say something.Collection: Smell