Jon Stewart
The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.Collection: Legal
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.Collection: Thanksgiving
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.Collection: Freedom
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.Collection: Food
I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.Collection: Dreams
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.
Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.
The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.
Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?
More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.
Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.
A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'
I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.
Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.
The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.
If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'
There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.
You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.Collection: Respect
I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignoranceCollection: Ignorance
Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.Collection: Ignorance
It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.Collection: Zoos
The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.Collection: Smell
The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.Collection: Media
When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?Collection: Way
I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.Collection: Absurdity
In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?Collection: People
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.Collection: Humorous
Poor people have sh*tty lobbyists.Collection: People
Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.Collection: Glasses
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.Collection: Death