Jon Stewart
Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke.Collection: Firsts
Songwriting is the way of perpetual want. Songwriters are the blessed/cursed people. You will never have a moment's peace in your life. You will always be wanting the next song.Collection: Song
No, I live in New Jersey because I like living in New Jersey.Collection: Jersey
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.Collection: Mistake
My life was typical. I played a little Little League baseball. I never wanted for food. I always had shoes. I had a room. There were no great tragedies. There were the typical ups and downs but I wouldn' t say it was at all sad. We were Jewish and living in the suburbs so there was a slightly neurotic bent to it, but I can't point to anything where a boy overcame a tragedy to become a comedian. As my grandmother used to say, 'I can't complain.Collection: Baseball
To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.Collection: America
War that hasn't affected us here, in the way that you would imagine a five-year war would affect a country.Collection: Country
The government should stop meddling in the business of the farmers, who would actually still be living ina desert if not for government meddling.Collection: Government
Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.Collection: Let Me
New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.Collection: Song
How do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? The honest answer is this: You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.Collection: Anxiety
Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn’t get carved out by poor people.Collection: Firsts
Ah, the first rule of public speaking – always start with a joke.Collection: Firsts
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don’t have a regime.Collection: Strong
Gay people can’t be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What’s the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. Private, shoot that man! I can’t, he’s adorable.Collection: Country
I don’t trust any country that looks around a continent and says, “Hey, I’ll take the frozen part.”Collection: Country
Bad jokes and gay marriage are destroying this country. But torture can save it.Collection: Country
I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.Collection: Country
It’s a wonder our country doesn’t implode.Collection: Country
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you’re overwhelmed by something or if you’re not.Collection: Real
If you don’t get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.Collection: Firsts
Nathan Lane’s Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.Collection: Fun