Jon Stewart
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.Collection: War
To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!Collection: War
It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found.Collection: Animal
The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.Collection: Republican
No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.Collection: Race
The psychology degree is simply that I was a chemistry major, and they kept wanting the correct answer, whereas in psychology you basically write whatever you want, and chances are you get a B.Collection: Writing
Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot." [Hosting the Peabody Awards for broadcasting excellence at the New York Waldorf-Astoria, June 6, 2006]Collection: Country
Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America.Collection: Redneck
All I'm saying is [John McCain] cannot look a soldier in the eye and say "Questioning the president is less supportive to you than extending your tour three months." You should be coming home to your family.Collection: Eye
I think you lose your innocence when you have kids, because the world suddenly becomes a much more dangerous place.Collection: Kids
At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want to do The Daily Show and I'd love to turn it into an abstract musical.' I like the format and the chance to satirize the news.Collection: Differences
They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, pick up the ball! That's what you're thinking.Collection: Soccer
We have standards. Anybody with the kind of journalism experience and professionalism that you have displayed over these years can not work for my program.Collection: Years
I focus on the task and try and do it as best we can. And we're constantly evolving it, because it's my way of trying to make sense of all these ambivalent feelings I have.Collection: Focus
The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.Collection: Ideas
Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.Collection: Smoking
I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.Collection: Thinking
I feel much more strongly about the abdication of responsibility by the media than by political advocates. They're representing a constituency.Collection: Responsibility
Don't you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves.Collection: Patriotic
I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.Collection: Men
I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.Collection: People
In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole.Collection: Military
It's very hard to feel the difficulties that the military goes through. It's very hard to feel the difficulties of military families, unless you're in that environment. And sometimes you have to force yourself to try and put yourself in other people's sort of shoes and environment to get the sense of that.Collection: Military
In 1982 I was playing soccer at William and Mary, and a kid from Randolph-Macon called me a kike. I ran after him. 'I'm not a... well, yes I am.Collection: Soccer
Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool?Collection: People
Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.Collection: Husband
I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.Collection: News
You feel kind of weird cheering for chaos. There is that sense that the crazier it gets, the better off we are. Before, when I was part of the American public, I was hoping for a reasonable and quick solution to the impeachment process. Now, I'm hoping for partisan bedlam and chaos. It's really what serves me best.Collection: Cheer
They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.Collection: People
When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.Collection: Thinking
Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary.Collection: Anchors
Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.Collection: Change
I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.Collection: Names
I don't think marijuana should be illegal.Collection: Marijuana
[President Bush] recently challenged Iraqi soldiers still fighting U.S. troops like so: ... 'My answer is bring 'em on.' For those of you who may be criticizing Bush for acting like a movie cowboy, let me remind you. He's actually acting more like a movie cheerleader.Collection: Fighting
Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson - or should we say the 'very' good Reverend - is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's Operation 'Push'.Collection: Children
Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq - meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.Collection: Iraq
You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.Collection: Rewards
The President says, "We are in the fight for a way of life. This is the greatest battle of our generation, and of the generations to come."Collection: Fighting
Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.Collection: Military
Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!Collection: Dad
Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway.Collection: Senior
Iran, Ireland, Israel. That's three countries, four religions that HATE each other. Way to go, 'I'.Collection: Country
Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN.Collection: Inspirational
[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.Collection: Sound
The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!'Collection: Kids
I feel like [God]'s hazing us.Collection: Hazing
Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house.Collection: Children
Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.Collection: America