Jon Stewart
Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!Collection: Respect
[John McCain] didn't believe me. I think anybody who's been in a POW camp for five years can - take eight minutes on The Daily Show.Collection: Believe
I think, with the administration they do Constitutionally-mandated things most of the time, but they don't - they fulfill the letter of their obligation to checks and balances, but not the intent.Collection: Thinking
If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children.Collection: Children
Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.Collection: Choices
How far back to the elementary school core curriculum do we have to go to get someone on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology caught up?Collection: School
I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, "Hey, I'll take the frozen part."Collection: Country
What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president?Collection: Money
If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?Collection: Legs
For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.Collection: Humorous
Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian, vegetarian, bookstore.Collection: Running
Really, an historic night last night. You may have heard, Barack Obama will be the first black president of the United States of America. ... Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be ... I said too much.Collection: Night
Robert Torricelli, a powerful fund-raiser who helped raise more than $100 million for the Democratic party, took inappropriate gifts from a businessman, including an $8,000 gold Rolex watch, for which he was severely admonished by the Senate Ethics Committee in July. To recap: raising $100 million in contributions from gigantic corporations - ethical; taking a watch - unethical. That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1974.Collection: Powerful
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!Collection: Arabia
It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.Collection: Dog
Senior year is supposed to be about being mentally done.Collection: Senior
I kid because I'm on basic cable.Collection: Kids
I'm less upset with politicians than the media. I feel like politicians, there is a certain, inherent - you know, the way I always explain it is, when you go to the zoo and a monkey throws its feces, it's a monkey. But, when the zookeeper is standing right there, and he doesn't say bad monkey... Somebody's got to be the zookeeper.Collection: Zoos
People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff.Collection: People
Democrats - always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in.Collection: Should Have
Bush's popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president!Collection: America
(Terrorists) are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first.Collection: Government
9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips...no Congress can make just one.Collection: Potato Chips
I can't believe I'm comforting a billionaire.Collection: Believe
The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.Collection: Cutting
I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.Collection: Thinking
In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.Collection: Iraq
The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now.Collection: War
Trent Lott has regained a position of leadership. He was the former majority leader who lost his post for racially insensitive commentary. I believe he mentioned that Strom Thurmond in 1948, who ran as a segregationist candidate, should have won. ... But now, sound the irony alarm. He has recaptured a position and his position -- I kid you not -- in the Senate will be minority whip. So, my guess is he takes to that job like, let's say, white on rice.Collection: Jobs
I have the liberal dictionary right here...let's see how they define water-boarding: 'Something done by the evil troops, who we don't support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay marriage.'Collection: Gay
The Department of Homeland Security recommends a three-day supply of water consisting of one bottle per day for each person in your home. Plus one extra bottle to give you all something to kill each other over on day four.Collection: Home
Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.Collection: Leader
If you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold the debate at your house. Whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach: they have a big tent - you're just not allowed in it.Collection: House
When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.Collection: President
Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic.Collection: Math
I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had?Collection: Men
Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it.Collection: Two
Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns... the writers are back!Collection: Waiting
I don't consider myself a serious and social political critic.Collection: Political
I feel like the only thing that I can do, and I've been fired from enough jobs, that I'm pretty confident in saying this, the only thing that I can do, even a little bit better than most people, is create that sort of that context with humor. And that's my way of not being helpless and not being hopeless.Collection: Jobs
You cannot judge a book by its contents.Collection: Book
Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.Collection: Giving
People are very sophisticated consumers of information, and they're pulling all different things.Collection: People
The important thing is, that I guess I don't spend any time thinking about what I am or what we do means. I spend my time doing it.Collection: Mean
You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.Collection: Book
[When you have kids] you become much more - there are two things that happen. You recognize how fragile individuals are, and you recognize the strength of the general overall group, but you don't care anymore. You're just fighting for the one thing. See and then, you also recognize that everybody, then, is also somebody's child.Collection: Children
[John McCain] stopped connecting and just looked at my chest and decided, "I'm just gonna continue to talk about honor and duty and the families should be proud," all the things that are cudgels emotionally to keep us from the conversation. But, things that weren't relevant to what we were talking about.Collection: Talking
That, what we're really seeing in Iraq is not a terrible war, but in fact, just the media's portrayal of it.Collection: War
I have a lot of hostility.Collection: Hostility