Dov Davidoff
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.Collection: Voice
Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.Collection: Men
A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.Collection: Girlfriend
If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.Collection: Advice
Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.Collection: Opportunity
Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.Collection: Suicide
When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.Collection: Mean
Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.Collection: Thinking
The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.Collection: Flower
If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.Collection: Book
I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.Collection: Success
Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.Collection: Girlfriend
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.Collection: Writing
America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.Collection: America
Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.Collection: Respect
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.Collection: Profound
You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.Collection: Dating
I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.Collection: Issues
We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.Collection: Mean
You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.Collection: Thinking
Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?Collection: Fall
Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.Collection: Suicide
The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.Collection: Hurt
Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.Collection: Optimism
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.Collection: Nuts
People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.Collection: People
I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.Collection: World
False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.Collection: Confidence
I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.Collection: Appreciate
The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.Collection: Knowledge
I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.Collection: Like You
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.Collection: Strong
Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.Collection: Party
Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.Collection: Fun
Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.Collection: Want
If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.Collection: School
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.Collection: Things In Life
Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.Collection: Crazy
It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.Collection: Negative
Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.Collection: Yoga
Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?Collection: Self Esteem
Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.Collection: Men
Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.Collection: Love
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.Collection: Benefits
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.Collection: Happiness
People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.Collection: People
The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.Collection: Style
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.Collection: Death
Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.Collection: Gay