Dov Davidoff
I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.Collection: Thinking
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.Collection: Happiness
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.Collection: Life Is
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.Collection: Shadow
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.Collection: Memories
The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.Collection: Happiness
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.Collection: Stupidity
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.Collection: Cupcakes
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.Collection: Falling In Love
Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.Collection: Lines
Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.Collection: Sex
You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.Collection: Transvestites
I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.Collection: Suicide
Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.Collection: Numbers
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.Collection: Fun
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.Collection: Moving
Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.Collection: Couple
I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.Collection: Imagine
Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.Collection: Space
A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.Collection: Men
Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.Collection: Immigration
When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.Collection: Jobs
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.Collection: Guy
Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.Collection: Children
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?Collection: Liars
Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.Collection: Games
Ending a sentence with yo, is like saying, I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever. Know what I mean yo?Collection: Jobs
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.Collection: Jobs
Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.Collection: Girl
Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.Collection: Mean
There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.Collection: Jobs
I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.Collection: Children
If you hug someone goodbye and their response is what the hell are you doing? - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.Collection: Goodbye
If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.Collection: Real
Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.Collection: Book
Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.Collection: Domestic Violence
Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.Collection: Firsts
Comedy is rarely funny.Collection: Comedy
The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.Collection: People
Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.Collection: Love Is
It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.Collection: Ignorance
The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.Collection: America
Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.Collection: Trying
The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.Collection: Culture
Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.Collection: Care
Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?Collection: Mirrors
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.Collection: Camping
I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.Collection: Telescopes
Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.Collection: Abuse
Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?Collection: Girlfriend