Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 19
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 19 provides more funny quotes.
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.Collection: Funny
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?Collection: Funny
I like the English. They have the most rigid code if immorality in the world.Collection: Funny
The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.Collection: Funny
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.Collection: Funny
When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.'Collection: Funny
You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.Collection: Funny
Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is.Collection: Funny
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.Collection: Funny
A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.Collection: Funny
They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.Collection: Funny
A hick town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't go.Collection: Funny
The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to.Collection: Funny
I used to have a drug problem, but now I have enough money.Collection: Funny
Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.Collection: Funny
A well known American writer said once that, while everybody talked about the weather, nobody seemed to do anything about it.Collection: Funny
Mr. Speaker. I said the honorable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honorable member may place the punctuation where he pleases.Collection: Funny
Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated "I am interested in your nipples" or not.Collection: Funny
Keep running after a dog and he will never bite you.Collection: Funny
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.Collection: Funny
In cross examination, as in fishing, nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch.Collection: Funny
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"Collection: Funny
I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'Collection: Funny
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.Collection: Funny
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"Collection: Funny
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."Collection: Funny
I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.Collection: Funny
To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. - Voltaire Do be do be do.Collection: Funny
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.Collection: Funny
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.Collection: Funny
Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.Collection: Funny
It's better to live one day as a lion than a dozen years as a sheep.Collection: Funny
There's the perception Danni Minogue is the sweetest little thing in the world but she's not... she's got balls of steel.Collection: Funny
They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.Collection: Funny
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."Collection: Funny
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.Collection: Funny
My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"Collection: Funny
I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts.Collection: Funny
Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I'm so tired.Collection: Funny
I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup.Collection: Funny
Every time I have a bikini wax, Cameron Diaz holds me down.Collection: Funny
We scored a season-high, yeah - albeit against a team that is somewhat tanking.Collection: Funny
I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.Collection: Funny
The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.Collection: Funny
Respect your haters. They're the only ones who think you're better than them.Collection: Funny
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.Collection: Funny
When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool.Collection: Funny
Ask him what time it is and he'll tell you how the watch was made.Collection: Funny
Insanity destroys reason, but not wit.Collection: Funny