Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 21
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 21 provides more funny quotes.
It was plain to see the Hollywood undertakers take care of everything. If you die you don't have to lift a finger.Collection: Funny
Then there was the time in Hollywood when I sat down in a breakaway chair and it collapsed on me. I was nearly knocked out and might have been even more seriously hurt but my fall was broken by the smog.Collection: Funny
The California cemeteries make dying sound so attractive it's a real effort to keep breathing.Collection: Funny
Son of Lady Chatterley's Lover had obvious commercial advantages (as a title for this book), but it impugned the marital status of my parents, something that enough critics were already doing.Collection: Funny
There is so much more than that little space from 14 to 40. And if you cut that off and begin to believe that you are not good past a certain age, then you end up scared and insecure and afraid. That is definitely NOT beautiful.Collection: Funny
Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.Collection: Funny
Somebody figured it out- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.Collection: Funny
That’s why you call it a budget. You set it and you don’t budge.Collection: Funny
Stupidity is better kept a secret than displayed.Collection: Funny
The shortest period of time lies between the minute you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival of rain.Collection: Funny
Whether 60 or 16, there is in every human being's heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what's next, and the joy of the game of living. In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from God, so long are you young.Collection: Funny
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.Collection: Funny
You shall know the truth, and it will make you odd.Collection: Funny
One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?Collection: Funny
Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.Collection: Funny
Yes, we rather condemn people for eternity without the courtesy of informing them.Collection: Funny
Back then, if you had a sore arm, the only people concerned were you and your wife. Now it's you, your wife, your agent, your investment counselor, your stockbroker, and your publisher.Collection: Funny
I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.Collection: Funny
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.Collection: Funny
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.Collection: Funny
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.Collection: Funny
You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?Collection: Funny
Bought a pair of boots the other day, and they was some silicone gel in there. Big red letters said, "Do not eat." Do they really need that stuff in them boots? Is there really some dude opening a pair of boots goin', "Boy, look at them boots. What the hell? I better eat that. I don't know what the hell that is."Collection: Funny
"More fun than a barrel of monkeys." Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be, especially once released from the barrel?Collection: Funny
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.Collection: Funny
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.Collection: Funny
What do you have when you have an agent buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.Collection: Funny
Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.Collection: Funny
The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.Collection: Funny
I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.Collection: Funny
Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.Collection: Funny
They are born, put in a box; they go home to live in a box; they study by ticking boxes; they go to what is called "work" in a box, where they sit in their cubicle box; they drive to the grocery store in a box to buy food in a box; they talk about thinking "outside the box"; and when they die they are put in a box.Collection: Funny
There are no nudists in cold areas.Collection: Funny
Men and animals regard each other across a gulf of mutual incomprehension.Collection: Funny
A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.Collection: Funny
Another day gone and no jokes.Collection: Funny
Being bored is an insult to oneself.Collection: Funny
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.Collection: Funny
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?Collection: Funny
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.Collection: Funny
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.Collection: Funny
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?Collection: Funny
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheeseCollection: Funny
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?Collection: Funny
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.Collection: Funny
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?Collection: Funny
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eatCollection: Funny
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?Collection: Funny
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?Collection: Funny