Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 20
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 20 provides more funny quotes.
My opinion is that anybody offended by breastfeeding is staring too hardCollection: Funny
The greatest teacher is just going out and playing.Collection: Funny
When a puppy takes fifty catnaps in the course of the day, he cannot always be expected to sleep the night through.Collection: Funny
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.Collection: Funny
I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.Collection: Funny
Diana Rigg is built like a brick mausoleum with insufficient flying buttresses.Collection: Funny
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.Collection: Funny
There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.Collection: Funny
Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.Collection: Funny
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.Collection: Funny
I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.Collection: Funny
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.Collection: Funny
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.Collection: Funny
There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.Collection: Funny
Edmonton is not the end of the world but you can certainly see it from there.Collection: Funny
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!Collection: Funny
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.Collection: Funny
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'Collection: Funny
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.Collection: Funny
Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.Collection: Funny
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'Collection: Funny
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.Collection: Funny
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.Collection: Funny
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.Collection: Funny
Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.Collection: Funny
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.Collection: Funny
You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.Collection: Funny
You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is!Collection: Funny
Everybody does that now. We all take pics... you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture 'cause you’re too busy recording it; so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.Collection: Funny
I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.Collection: Funny
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?Collection: Funny
Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.Collection: Funny
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.Collection: Funny
Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!Collection: Funny
Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.Collection: Funny
I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.Collection: Funny
And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.Collection: Funny
Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"Collection: Funny
It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.Collection: Funny
What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.Collection: Funny
The most noteworthy thing about gardeners is that they are always optimistic, always enterprising, and never satisfied. They always look forward to doing something better than they have ever done before.Collection: Funny
The difference between screwing around and science is writing it down.Collection: Funny
I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.Collection: Funny
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.Collection: Funny
Randy and I were goggle-eyed as we gazed over the wonders of what Walt Disney had wrought. It was a magnificent demonstration of what God could do if He had more imagination.Collection: Funny
Hollywood, we decided, was a nice place to die, but we wouldn't want to live there.Collection: Funny
We were ensconced as guests of the exclusive Beverly Hilton Hotel, an edifice so swank that the fire ax in the hall outside our suite said: "In case of fire-break crystal."Collection: Funny
The only non-believer I encountered was Oscar Levant who wouldn't visit Disneyland because he said he had his own hallucinations.Collection: Funny
... Variety and the Hollywood Reporter, two publications read more faithfully in Hollywood than the Koran is in Mecca.Collection: Funny