A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.Collection: Graduation
I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.Collection: Valentines
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.Collection: Parenting
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.Collection: Home
Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.Collection: History
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.Collection: Health
Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.Collection: Health
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.Collection: Business
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.Collection: Computers
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.Collection: Morning
I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.Collection: Humor
Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.Collection: Failure
Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.Collection: Humor
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?Collection: Politics
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.Collection: Society
Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.Collection: Government
If you can laugh together, you can work together.Collection: Work
In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.Collection: Humor
Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.Collection: Wisdom
Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.Collection: Time
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.
The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.
Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!
What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.
Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.
Do your kids a favor - don't have any.
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
President Ford used humor a great deal.
If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.Collection: Motivational
An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.Collection: Years
The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the worldCollection: Love
Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.Collection: Motivational
Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.Collection: Baseball
A compliment is verbal sunshine.Collection: Sunshine
For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.Collection: Father
Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.Collection: Health
I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.Collection: New Year
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.Collection: Lying
We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.Collection: People