Henny Youngman
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!Collection: Graduation
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.Collection: Anniversary
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.Collection: Anniversary
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.Collection: Funny
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.Collection: Happiness
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.Collection: Marriage
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.Collection: Men
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.Collection: Women
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.Collection: Marriage
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.Collection: Christmas
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.Collection: Morning
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.Collection: Marriage
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.Collection: Car
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?Collection: Dad
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.Collection: Money
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.Collection: Car
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.Collection: Travel
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.Collection: Medical
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.Collection: Medical
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.Collection: Teacher
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.Collection: Funny
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.Collection: Love
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Take my wife... Please!
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?Collection: Husband