Doug Stanhope
The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.
The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.
There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.
I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally.
Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.
I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.
Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never metCollection: Hate
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.Collection: People
If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.Collection: Children
Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.Collection: Winning
You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."Collection: Atheist
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?Collection: Sex
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.Collection: Funny
Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.Collection: Real
I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.Collection: Depression
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.Collection: Funny
Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?Collection: Long
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.Collection: Funny
Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.Collection: Moving
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.Collection: Funny
Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.Collection: Stupid
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.Collection: Lying
What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.Collection: Leader
I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.Collection: Miracle
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?Collection: Funny
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.Collection: Drinking
Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.Collection: Boring
America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.Collection: America
The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.Collection: Good Life
I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.Collection: Country
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.Collection: Athletic
I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.Collection: Perfect
The reputation of generosity is to be purchased pretty cheap; it does not depend so much upon a man's general expense, as it does upon his giving handsomely where it is proper to give at all. A man, for instance, who should give a servant four shillings, would pass for covetous, while he who gave him a crown, would be reckoned generous; so that the difference of those two opposite characters, turns upon one shilling.Collection: Character
What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.Collection: Funny
Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.Collection: People
The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.Collection: Two Different Worlds
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.Collection: Passion
People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.Collection: People
If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.Collection: Jobs
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.Collection: Sex
I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"Collection: Party
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.Collection: Funny
Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.Collection: Taken
Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.Collection: Long
I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.Collection: Motivation