Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 18
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 18 provides more funny quotes.
It's funny, sometimes life just comes down to bringing a little bit of light to somebody when you can.Collection: Funny
All the dramas I admire most - 'Six Feet Under,' 'The Sopranos' - even when the scenes aren't laugh-out-loud funny, per se, there's a comic twist that gives the stories an energy.Collection: Funny
That is the job of a comedian: To take unpleasant subject matter and forcibly, with his hands, wring the funny out of it.Collection: Funny
I look out at the stadiums full of people and see them all knowing the words to songs I wrote. And curling their hair! I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny. And wonderful.Collection: Funny
A rich man's joke is always funny.Collection: Funny
There's something outrageously funny about the bold-faced lying that's going on, in a general way. Just the blatant denial of facts, whether it's climate change or crowd sizes. Every day, there's another blatant lie. I think there's comedy in there somewhere.Collection: Funny
A joke is just a paintbrush. It takes someone funny to paint something beautiful.Collection: Funny
But I think Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang really got that thing where, if a movie reads really funny and then has some dramatic or violent or sinister stuff in it, you can't forget that primarily it has to be even funnier than you read it or that other stuff doesn't work.Collection: Funny
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.Collection: Funny
I'm going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I'm going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do.Collection: Funny
Flea markets are fun because they are the ultimate treasure hunt. Be open to the fact that you never know what you'll find. The most beautiful, quirky, funny, scary pieces may not have an intrinsic value.Collection: Funny
I'd say Jon Stewart has remained funny the entire time. Jon always makes it funny first. And he's just, he's talking about serious things, but in a funny way. Other comedians will talk about serious things in a serious way, and then you don't know what's going on.Collection: Funny
It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.Collection: Funny
I love humanity but I hate people.Collection: Funny
I'm pretty private about my neuroses. You're not neurotic if you talk to yourself - everyone does - you're only neurotic if you hear an answer.Collection: Funny
I was feeling very irritable. It was that difficult time of the month when the credit card statement arrives.Collection: Funny
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.Collection: Funny
If you are in trouble anywhere in the world, an airplane can fly over and drop flowers, but a helicopter can land and save your life.Collection: Funny
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'Collection: Funny
Give us the luxuries of life, and we will dispense with its necessities.Collection: Funny
Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.Collection: Funny
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.Collection: Funny
If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?Collection: Funny
The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"Collection: Funny
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.Collection: Funny
The funniest thing is when somebody says "Look I've no idea who you are but my friend said you are on a show and I just wanted to introduce myself" you know that they are lying! Those people can just get out of my way.Collection: Funny
Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.Collection: Funny
When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.Collection: Funny
Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.Collection: Funny
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.Collection: Funny
I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.Collection: Funny
There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.Collection: Funny
Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.Collection: Funny
When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.Collection: Funny
I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.Collection: Funny
The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.Collection: Funny
I smash guitars because I like them.Collection: Funny
After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter.Collection: Funny
What was the name of that dog on "Rin Tin Tin"?Collection: Funny
I like them all-pointers, setters, retrievers, spaniels-what have you. I've had good ones and bad of several kinds. Most of the bad ones were my fault and most of the good ones would have been good under any circumstances.Collection: Funny
Sport is the only profession I know of that when you retire you have to go to work.Collection: Funny
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.Collection: Funny
I'm sure every pattern has been covered, but it's nice to think you might dwell on some that other people don't.Collection: Funny
Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.Collection: Funny
If you want to be a photographer, first leave homeCollection: Funny
Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family.Collection: Funny
I have started smiling! I've mastered this smirk; it's a smile that isn't a smile.Collection: Funny
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.Collection: Funny
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.Collection: Funny