Top Humorous Quotes Collection
Discover a curated collection of Humorous quotes. Find inspiration, motivation, and wisdom from the best quotes in this category.
You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress.Collection: Humorous
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.Collection: Humorous
It is far better to know our own weaknesses and failures than to point out those of others.Collection: Humorous
I bet the human brain is a kludgeCollection: Humorous
The people shall further be graded according to wealth, and—humorous touch this—the more obviously a man labor, the more stinting shall be his reward; the more he work in the out-of-doors, the thinner his clothing shall be; the more his labor filthy him, the less water shall he have to washCollection: Humorous
I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language.Collection: Humorous
Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.Collection: Humorous
Ningauble shrugged. You're a hero. You should know.Collection: Humorous
If there was sadness in this creative world of mine, it was a pleasant sadness. If there were problems, they were humorous problems.Collection: Humorous
If ignorance is bliss, then knock the smile off my face...Collection: Humorous
I think there are two prevailing views of the suburbs in the States: either they're this sort of tedious place, where everyone is the same, buys the same food and drives around in their little minivans, or the view is that the suburbs are extremely perverse in a humorous way.Collection: Humorous
It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later.Collection: Humorous
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.Collection: Humorous
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.Collection: Humorous
Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.Collection: Humorous
Why (he wondered rhetorically) do people who have a position that's being attacked constantly state that they have a right to say it, as if the right itself-rather than the statement-has been challenged?Collection: Humorous
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.Collection: Humorous
The steady state of disks is full.Collection: Humorous
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!Collection: Humorous
I really like the Observer. I think I'd love to have a column with a broad reach that would enable me to do some proper reporting, but keep it on sort of a humorous level. I've always had a very happy experience writing for them.Collection: Humorous
One of the glories of doing the book So You Want to Be President? was the shifts in tone, where I was able to be humorous and then very serious. And the impeachment page is certainly the best example of that. I didn't have to think too much about how to present this one. I got the idea right away that a good way of showing the shame of President Nixon would be to put him down in the shadows under the Lincoln Monument, with Lincoln sort of glaring down at him from an elevated, better-lit position.Collection: Humorous
Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you.Collection: Humorous
To me, an airplane is a great place to diet.Collection: Humorous
It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't.Collection: Humorous
The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.Collection: Humorous
Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.Collection: Humorous
I like the word "indolence." It makes my laziness seem classy.Collection: Humorous
God help the patient.Collection: Humorous
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it.Collection: Humorous
An emotional man may possess no humor, but a humorous man usually has deep pockets of emotion, sometimes tucked away or forgotten.Collection: Humorous
Don't say yes until I finish talking.Collection: Humorous
I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end.Collection: Humorous
So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. What! no soap? So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots.Collection: Humorous
Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut.Collection: Humorous
The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't take it too seriously.Collection: Humorous
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.Collection: Humorous
Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.Collection: Humorous
British Israelites: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.Collection: Humorous
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America"Collection: Humorous
The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service.Collection: Humorous
The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater.Collection: Humorous
... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of Camptown Races. Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.Collection: Humorous
Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.Collection: Humorous
When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.Collection: Humorous
Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?Collection: Humorous
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.Collection: Humorous
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.Collection: Humorous
Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.Collection: Humorous
The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.Collection: Humorous
Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.Collection: Humorous