Jon Stewart
I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.Collection: Political
If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?Collection: Hate
The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it's becoming an oppressor.Collection: Just Being
Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger.Collection: Hands
It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts... until they see a witch.Collection: Hate
Honestly, folks, I think my brain is broken.Collection: Thinking
You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.Collection: Confused
They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?Collection: Christian
How refreshing. A suspect beaten up BEFORE the LAPD showed up.Collection: Lapd
Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean was all smiles, well smirks, after picking up the endorsement of former Vice President Al Gore at a rally in Harlem ... Gore went on to praise Dean for taking a tough anti-war stance before the invasion of Iraq and he praised Dean supporters in hopes that will ease his concerns over lack of foreign policy experience, and his lack of support among blacks and Latinos, and his hot temperament, and perceived arrogance, and policy flip-flops, and campaign glitches. Well, there's a lot going on here.Collection: War
Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'.Collection: Italian
Here's what I realized about the yam - it's the same colour as a Nerf ball. You may be wondering: 'Is he saying he ate a Nerf ball?'.Collection: Yams
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.Collection: Guy
There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations.Collection: Tired
Thus, I've created humour.Collection: Humour
We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it's been helpful.Collection: Looks
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.Collection: Guy
Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented.Collection: Devious
I could never wrap my head around why the world and the President that Republicans describe bears so little resemblance to the world and the President that I experience. And now I know why. There is a President Obama that only Republicans can see.Collection: President
Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.Collection: Democracy
My buddy Tim Bass he's a-workin' pumpin gas, and he makes two fifty for an hour. He's got rhythm in his hands as he's tappin' on the cans, sings rock and roll in the shower.Collection: Two
Fire up your heart for the wind is getting cold, now it always gets cold for the riders of the night. When you carry that dream when you know what lonesome is looking for a home like a bird in flight.Collection: Dream
That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.Collection: Funny
I watch a lot of astronaut movies....Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist.Collection: Stars
On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.Collection: Average
President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent.Collection: Approval Rating
Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter.Collection: Stars
The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons.Collection: Military
After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999 during which their CEO was - oh who was it? Oh that's right. ... Cheney himself has not been implicated in the scandal and according to Cheney's lawyer there is no allegation whatsoever that he acted in any way other than in the best interests of the company and its shareholders. And you know what? It's still true today.Collection: Long
With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World.Collection: Iraq
If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it's not politics - and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy - but I look at politicians as they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, 'That's what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?' But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say, 'Bad monkey.'Collection: Jobs
If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that's all I would ask for.Collection: Long
The White House released documents it claims validates the president's (National Guard) service ... When deciphered the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush's nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard's National Guard. That's the National Guard's National Guard, an Army of None.Collection: Army
We're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.Collection: Hair
This show is our own personal beliefs.Collection: Belief
I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.Collection: Gay
Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.Collection: Divorce
Sometimes it's hard to face your own...life.Collection: Faces
At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?Collection: Giving
If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.Collection: Family
It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug.Collection: Dog
Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.Collection: Politics
Nothing brings closure to a campaign like opening it up again.Collection: Campaigns
I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.Collection: Hopping
And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.Collection: Giving
I don't think politics is any longer about a conversation with the country.Collection: Country
Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.Collection: Bombs
Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people.Collection: Horse
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.Collection: Advice