Joan Rivers
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.Collection: Art
Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'Collection: Husband
I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.Collection: Careers
Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!Collection: Girl
Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!Collection: Girl
The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselvesCollection: People
I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.Collection: Writing
I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!Collection: Reality
When you're first-generation money, you want to say, "I got a Mercedes and a Rolls and a Lamborghini. Take a look." When you're second-generation money, you're very quiet behind your country club doors. I think that's why people are much more aware. It's the first-generation wives that have the huge rings and the second-generation says, "Everyone be quiet as we get on our yacht or our private plane."Collection: Country
The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.Collection: Comedian
Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.Collection: Airplane
What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.Collection: Jewelry
I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.Collection: Husband
[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.Collection: Grandchildren
What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.Collection: Children
I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.Collection: Sex
All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.Collection: Husband
I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.Collection: Thinking
I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.Collection: Dollars
My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.Collection: Cousin
Two is company; three is fifty bucks.Collection: Sex
Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.Collection: Phones
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.Collection: Memories
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.Collection: Funny
I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.Collection: Husband
One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.Collection: Mean
Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.Collection: Common Sense
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.Collection: Love
Never admit that your back goes out more than you doCollection: Golf
A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.Collection: Children
Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.Collection: Thinking
Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.Collection: Turkeys
Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.Collection: Gone
Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.Collection: Birthday
Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.Collection: Sports
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.Collection: Stay Strong
Better laid than never.Collection: Funny
you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.Collection: Time
My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."Collection: Daughter
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.Collection: Revenge
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."Collection: Mom
With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.Collection: Memorable
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.Collection: Funeral
In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.Collection: Perseverance
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.Collection: Dog
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.Collection: Hilarious
moving on is a gift you give yourself.Collection: Change
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.Collection: Memorable