Joan Rivers
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."Collection: Running
No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.Collection: Men
Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.Collection: Thinking
I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.Collection: Black
My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!Collection: Nipples
Life is very tough, you know. You sit at a dinner party and talk to the person on your right or your left, you're going to hear something terribly sad, or horrible, or awful. And you just laugh at everything. I think it was Winston Churchill who said something like, any time you get someone to laugh, you're giving them a little vacation. It's so true. You laugh for one second, you're happy. I find in negotiations, everybody's sitting around looking so serious, I say something funny and it breaks the ice. And it's like, now we can get through this.Collection: Party
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.Collection: Husband
Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!Collection: Jobs
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.Collection: Funny
I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.Collection: Age
I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids.Collection: Sex
No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.Collection: Moving
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.Collection: Sex
You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.Collection: Thinking
You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.Collection: Sexy
I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was nakedCollection: Guy
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.Collection: Lobotomy
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.Collection: Shade
Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.Collection: Law
Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.Collection: Breakup
Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.Collection: Aspirin
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.Collection: Mother
I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.Collection: Rooms
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.Collection: Baby
Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.Collection: Beautiful
Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.Collection: Dog
Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.Collection: Enough Time
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.Collection: Memorable
Happiness, at my age, is breathingCollection: Inspiration
Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.Collection: Kissing
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?Collection: Husband
old age' is always ten years more than we are.Collection: Years
I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.Collection: Regret
Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.Collection: Heart
my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.Collection: Baby
I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.Collection: Thinking
I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.Collection: Jewelry
And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.Collection: Baby
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.Collection: Thinking
Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.Collection: Father
I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!Collection: Dykes
to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.Collection: Success
Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.Collection: Daughter
Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.Collection: Mountain
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.Collection: Hurt
My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.Collection: Kings
A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.Collection: Sense Of Humor
I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who staysCollection: Projects