Top hilarious Quotes Collection
Discover a curated collection of hilarious quotes. Find inspiration, motivation, and wisdom from the best quotes in this category.
People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader.Collection: Hilarious
If I was president of the good old U.S.A., I'd turn the churches into strip clubs and watch the whole world pray.Collection: Hilarious
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.Collection: Hilarious
Bryant Gumbel's ego has applied for statehood. And if it's accepted, it will be the fifth-largest.Collection: Hilarious
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happenCollection: Hilarious
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.Collection: Hilarious
I still love her. But she's retarded, too.Collection: Hilarious
Anybody who doesn't make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life, the better.Collection: Hilarious
I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband.Collection: Hilarious
The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.Collection: Hilarious
Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.Collection: Hilarious
I thought Europe was a country?Collection: Hilarious
Its easy to have kids, people try to scare you into thinking "oh its hard to have kids" Its not. I have two, and I have no idea where they are right now. Kids are adorable, someone will always take care of them.Collection: Hilarious
The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.Collection: Hilarious
Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.Collection: Hilarious
I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs.Collection: Hilarious
It was like hiking into a Hemingway story; everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext.Collection: Hilarious
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.Collection: Hilarious
A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.Collection: Hilarious
My life is an open book. With illustrations.Collection: Hilarious
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?Collection: Hilarious
Pretty sad. Pretty lonely. But that's how I prefer it? I quess? I guess. It's a good guess. It's the best quess ever.Collection: Hilarious
I love any movie that has a retarded person working at Starbucks.Collection: Hilarious
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.Collection: Hilarious
Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It's depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then kill itself in hand-to-hand combat.Collection: Hilarious
When mice run, cats give chase.Collection: Hilarious
Thou art a very ragged Wart.Collection: Hilarious
I am joined with no foot land-rakers, no long-staff, sixpenny strikers, none of these mad, mustachio purple-hued maltworms, but with nobility and tranquillity.Collection: Hilarious
[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.Collection: Hilarious
One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.Collection: Hilarious
I fell into writing, I suppose, being one of those awful children who wrote verses. I went to a convent in New York-the Blessed Sacrament... I was fired from there, finally, for a lot of things, among them my insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion.Collection: Hilarious
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-ShirtCollection: Hilarious
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.Collection: Hilarious
I want to focus on my salad.Collection: Hilarious
Take your risks now; as you become older, you become more fearful and less flexible. And I mean that literally. I hurt my knee this week on the treadmill, and it wasn't even on.Collection: Hilarious
I'll be honest, I felt an urge to squeeze him like a kitten and that led to the gesture I made. There was nothing behind it really.Collection: Hilarious
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.Collection: Hilarious
I never avoid something that challenges my guts and my heart. While I might occasionally puke my guts out, I have never puked my heart out.Collection: Hilarious
I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me.Collection: Hilarious
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.Collection: Hilarious
Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I'm sorry I'm not the guy. It just doesn't fit me. I'm not 20.Collection: Hilarious
Is this chicken or is this fish?Collection: Hilarious
All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years.Collection: Hilarious
The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.Collection: Hilarious
A conclusion is the place you get to when you’re tired of thinking.Collection: Hilarious
If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.Collection: Hilarious
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.Collection: Hilarious
I wouldn't feel right wearing clothes covering my body.Collection: Hilarious
A conglomerate heap of trash, that's what I am. But it burns with a high flame.Collection: Hilarious
When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.Collection: Hilarious