Joan Rivers
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.Collection: Dark
I use a smoke alarm as a timer.Collection: Alarms
I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.Collection: Husband
Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.Collection: Grandchildren
There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.Collection: Book
A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.Collection: Mother
I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.Collection: Life
Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.Collection: Emotional
If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.Collection: New York
I've always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes - just like the boys in Glee do.Collection: Stars
My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.Collection: Fashion
I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.Collection: Careers
I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.Collection: Sorry
Having a baby can be a scream.Collection: Baby
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.Collection: Perfect
As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'Collection: Funny
I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.Collection: Fashion
Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.Collection: Parenting
If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.Collection: Dog
My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.Collection: Daughter
People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.Collection: Passion
Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.Collection: Girl
I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.Collection: Funny
I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.Collection: Thinking
I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.Collection: Water
"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"Collection: Fashion
What we do is a calling...we make people happy.Collection: People
If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.Collection: Fun
You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.Collection: Fun
Welcome to my world! I’ve been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I’m the luckiest woman on the planet.Collection: Book
Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.Collection: Country
The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.Collection: Fun
What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Not book me? I’ve been out of work before. I don’t care.Collection: Book
Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children’s books. First up: ‘Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.’Collection: Book
I’m sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn’t.Collection: Real