Joan Rivers
I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.Collection: Hate
The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.Collection: Fun
I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.Collection: Mind
I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."Collection: Girl
Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.Collection: Valentine
How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.Collection: Feelings
They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.Collection: San Francisco
I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.Collection: Fashion
I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”Collection: Beauty
I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.Collection: People
That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.Collection: Funny
Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.Collection: Fashion
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.Collection: Dating
I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.Collection: Suicidal
Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.Collection: Trying
She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.Collection: Sarcastic
Can we talk?Collection: Signatures
I love the way my life has fallen into place.Collection: Way
I have to tell you that it's not going to be easy. Take every chance and every opportunity that you can. Don't say 'I can't' or 'I shouldn't' or 'I'm too tired.'Collection: Tired
I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.Collection: Meaningful
Obama came in and said he was going turn everything around, and you can't. Give the guy a break. But I question a lot of what's happening. It's certainly going to reflect in my vote, but who else is there? It's a horrible time, because people vote party lines instead of what's good for the country. I think the whole health care issue turned so ugly, because of party lines, and that's not what that's supposed to be about.Collection: Country
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.Collection: Baby
I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.Collection: Regret
Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?Collection: Husband
I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.Collection: Children
The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing.Collection: Fashion
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.Collection: Daughter
Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.Collection: Worry
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.Collection: Water
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.Collection: Memorable
My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.Collection: Fashion
If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.Collection: Horse
I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'Collection: Hate
The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.Collection: Fashion
If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.Collection: Military
Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe. If you must go into the arts, go into them for yourself alone. On some basic level you must enjoy the act of doing it ... Otherwise, you are going to end up frustrated and unhappy. Recognition in the arts is luck and gravy.Collection: Art
My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.Collection: Memorable
My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.Collection: Mother
Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.Collection: Adventure
I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.Collection: Daughter
I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.Collection: Funny
The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.Collection: Thinking
You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.Collection: College
Self-pity shortens your life.Collection: Self
Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.Collection: Fashion
It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.Collection: Love
Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.Collection: Travel
The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.Collection: Hair
My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.Collection: Mother