Demetri Martin
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.Collection: New York
I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.Collection: Real
You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.Collection: Teaching
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.Collection: Fart
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.Collection: Book
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I'm completely disconnected.Collection: Thinking
Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.Collection: Wind
Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.Collection: Choices
I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem.Collection: Thinking
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.Collection: Realizing
The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.Collection: Sports
It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.Collection: Sorry
When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people's approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval of other people, in comedy clubs and showbiz meetings.Collection: Moving
At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.Collection: Battle
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.Collection: Animal
When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.Collection: Potatoes
My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.Collection: Bags
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities.Collection: Jobs
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.Collection: Lonely
If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.Collection: Good Person
I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.Collection: Hipster
I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my house. I think about it and I'm like, I don't know how I climbed out of there.Collection: Book
When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.Collection: Years
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.Collection: Beautiful
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.Collection: Stupid
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.Collection: Together
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).Collection: Australia
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.Collection: Long
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?Collection: Beach
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.Collection: Funny
Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'Collection: Sweet
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.Collection: Thinking
Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.Collection: Stupid
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.Collection: Car
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.Collection: Running
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.Collection: Way
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.Collection: Thinking
The earth without art is just eh.Collection: Art
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.Collection: Girlfriend
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.Collection: Popcorn
I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.Collection: Snakes
'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."Collection: Funny
I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.Collection: Cutting
My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'Collection: Distance
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.Collection: Dog
Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.Collection: Knights
For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.Collection: Cowboy
They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!Collection: Fishing
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.Collection: Knives