Demetri Martin
When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.Collection: Dalmatians
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'Collection: Practice
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.Collection: Paper
I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."Collection: Funny
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.Collection: Distance
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.Collection: Home
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.Collection: Powerful
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.Collection: Car
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".Collection: Funny
I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.Collection: Men
The problem with most people, is that they are most people.Collection: People
Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.Collection: Men
Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.Collection: Camping
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.Collection: Hands
I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'Collection: Children
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.Collection: Moving
When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.Collection: Fall
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.Collection: Thinking
I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.Collection: Play
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.Collection: Hopeful
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.Collection: Thinking
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.Collection: Success
When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."Collection: Basketball
I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.Collection: Trying
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.Collection: Halloween
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.Collection: Sorry
I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?Collection: Responsibility
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.Collection: People
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!Collection: Funny
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.Collection: Lonely
Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.Collection: Firsts
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.Collection: Would Be
I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.Collection: Night
I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.Collection: Comedian
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'Collection: Dirty
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.Collection: Confused
I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.Collection: Song
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.Collection: Vampire
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.Collection: Dog
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."Collection: Funny
I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speedCollection: Home
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.Collection: Hippie
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.Collection: Two
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'Collection: Funny
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?Collection: Thinking
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.Collection: Snacks
The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.Collection: Children
Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.Collection: Party
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"Collection: Funny