Demetri Martin
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."Collection: Funny
It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.Collection: Nice
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.Collection: Bravery
If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'Collection: Morning
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.Collection: Secret
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.Collection: Men
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.Collection: Funny
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.Collection: Blood
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.Collection: Home
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.Collection: Jealous
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.Collection: Gun
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.Collection: Want
Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.Collection: Fire
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.Collection: Artist
I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.Collection: Boss
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.Collection: Jesus
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.Collection: Party
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".Collection: Funny
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.Collection: Airplane
I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.Collection: People
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.Collection: Names
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.Collection: Stupid
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.Collection: Song
When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.Collection: Sex
Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.Collection: Cookies
I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.Collection: Believe
Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.Collection: People
I've never read an article of clothing.Collection: Articles
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.Collection: Space
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.Collection: Years
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.Collection: Ohio
I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.Collection: Class
To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.Collection: Talking
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.Collection: Please
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.Collection: House
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'Collection: Men
Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.Collection: Sweet
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.Collection: Names
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"Collection: Funny
You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.Collection: Breathing
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.Collection: Funny
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".Collection: Funny
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.Collection: Work Out
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.Collection: Funny
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.Collection: Blessing
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.Collection: Interesting
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"Collection: Shoes
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.Collection: Dog