Demetri Martin
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'Collection: Funny
The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.Collection: Comedy
I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.Collection: Giving
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?Collection: Happiness
I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.Collection: Rain
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.Collection: Glasses
For me, possibility, progress, growth, those things are very.. they feel very good. It doesn't usually come with negativity. I don't really mind sucking at something as long as I'm getting a little bit better at it along the way.Collection: Long
You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.Collection: Special
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.Collection: Party
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.Collection: Doors
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.Collection: Ironic
I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.Collection: Missing
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'Collection: Funny
Most stick people are black.Collection: People
Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.Collection: Two
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.Collection: Tattoo
It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.Collection: Impossible
It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.Collection: Nice
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.Collection: Thinking
Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.Collection: Dancing
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.Collection: Lonely
Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.Collection: Voice
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.Collection: Struggle
Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.Collection: Have A Great Day
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.Collection: Uncles
I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.Collection: Thinking
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.Collection: Phones
I think they named the orange before the carrot.Collection: Thinking
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.Collection: Plato
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.Collection: Kids
I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.Collection: Funny
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.Collection: Summer
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.Collection: Funny
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?Collection: Mean
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.Collection: Want
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.Collection: Thinking
Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.Collection: World
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.Collection: Funny
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.Collection: Lying
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'Collection: Funny
I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.Collection: Thinking
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.Collection: Wise
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.Collection: Thinking
A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.Collection: Taken
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.Collection: Bmw
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.Collection: Waiting
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.Collection: Sports
There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?Collection: Mean
If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.Collection: Sexy