Demetri Martin
There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.Collection: Differences
Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.Collection: Running
Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.Collection: Batteries
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?Collection: Listening
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.Collection: Glasses
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.Collection: Running
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.Collection: Kings
You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.Collection: Waiting
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton".Collection: Men
If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.Collection: Beer
Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.Collection: Example
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.Collection: Glitter
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.Collection: Funny
If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.Collection: Keys
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.Collection: Funny
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."Collection: Funny
Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?Collection: Mean
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.Collection: Sports
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.Collection: Funny
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.Collection: Attitude
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.Collection: Dry
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.Collection: Water
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.Collection: Party
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.Collection: Society
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.Collection: Creativity
I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'Collection: Thinking
Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.Collection: Rocks
I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.Collection: Mistake
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in eitherCollection: Musical
I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.Collection: Cake
There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.Collection: Team
If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.Collection: Artist
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.Collection: Funny
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.Collection: Guy
I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.Collection: Cameras
Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.Collection: Tic Tacs
I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.Collection: Nails
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.Collection: Games
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.Collection: People
Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.Collection: Funny
When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.Collection: Multiple Choice
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?Collection: Doe
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.Collection: Thinking
When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.Collection: Ideas
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.Collection: Mind
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.Collection: Thinking