Dana Gould
One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.Collection: One Day
The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.Collection: Running
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.Collection: Love Is
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.Collection: Mean
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.Collection: Mean
A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.Collection: Python
Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.Collection: Vigilance
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.Collection: Might
I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!Collection: Problem
I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.Collection: Swimming
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.Collection: Song
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.Collection: Home
I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.Collection: Suicide
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.Collection: Believe
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?Collection: Girl
If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.Collection: Odds
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.Collection: Thinking
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.Collection: Thinking
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.Collection: Poop
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.Collection: Dying Alone
The average permanent lasts about four months.Collection: Average
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.Collection: Laughing
I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.Collection: Comedy
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.Collection: Party
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.Collection: Long
Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.Collection: Teacher
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.Collection: Pain
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!Collection: Home
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?Collection: Running
You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.Collection: Writing
You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.Collection: Challenges
When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.Collection: Perspective
People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.Collection: Smart
I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.Collection: People
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.Collection: Dad
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?Collection: Two
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.Collection: Thinking
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.Collection: Sex
This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.Collection: Airplane
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.Collection: Cat
Why do old people drive with their mouths open?Collection: People
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.Collection: Ideas
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?Collection: Fire
I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.Collection: Kids
If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?Collection: Believe
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.Collection: Hoodies
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.Collection: Anxiety
Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.Collection: Guy
The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.Collection: Shoes