Dana Gould
Competition is the death of art.Collection: Art
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.Collection: Being Real
We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.Collection: Crazy
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.Collection: Pride
When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.Collection: Time Management
That which does not kill you isn't finished.Collection: Doe
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.Collection: Brother
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.Collection: Home
Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.Collection: Stars
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.Collection: Tattoo
I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.Collection: Mean
Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?Collection: Dog
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.Collection: Want
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.Collection: Football
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.Collection: Halloween
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.Collection: Years
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.Collection: Player
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.Collection: Men
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.Collection: Suicide
Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.Collection: Believe
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.Collection: Dog
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.Collection: Nice
The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.Collection: Dog
Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.Collection: Two
Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.Collection: Life Is Like
I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.Collection: Peanut Butter
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.Collection: Thinking
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?Collection: Holiness
What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.Collection: Sorry
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.Collection: Running
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?Collection: Years
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.Collection: School
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?Collection: Halloween
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.Collection: Competition
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.Collection: Competition
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.Collection: Stars
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.Collection: People
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.Collection: Remember You
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.Collection: Mom
Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?Collection: Zombie
Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.Collection: Mean
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.Collection: Winning
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!Collection: Sorry
Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.Collection: War
Corn is the only food you hold like corn.Collection: Corn
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.Collection: Baby
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.Collection: Dog
New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!Collection: Sex
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.Collection: Fun
The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.Collection: Places To Live